Being alone when you're with someone is very different to be alone when you're single.
Wishing to share an experience with a particular person is not the same as just wishing to share experiences.
The loneliness you feel is different.
The possibilities are different.
The celebration of solitude is different.
I had to go and get a notebook and pen before I could come to El Café Gijón where I am now, sipping on una caña, picking at green olives. I'm here in honour of my parents.
"Go to the Café Gijón" they suggested when I left them at the airport.
"One of the last literary cafes in Madrid. Have a coffee for us".
I'd come via the Retiro, the huge park in the centre of town, where I sat by the boating lake, surrounded by smooching couples. I'd sat myself behind an old woman on her own. Grey hair bundled on top, rosy flesh showing through a black strappy t-shirt. She emptied the last of her white wine into a plastic cup and turned on her side to read. Next to her was a young guy, thin and topless. Looked like he'd once had dreds, but was now simply wild-haired and bearded. His was a beer and a book and the odd cigarette.
And there was I, in jeans and an anorak in the burning sun. I'd finished my ice cream and had nothing to read so I resorted to sending saucy text messages to my lover - in the same country, but a different city. I told him I'd book a flight for the weekend if he promised to fuck me senseless. He agreed very aimiably. What a decent chap.
As I was putting my socks back on to continue my quick scout of the city, I caught the old woman smiling at me. At first I'd seen her as a sun-worshipping lush pot, but now I saw that perhaps she might be someone altogether different. A fuck-'em-all assertive woman, doing her own thing. I felt bad to make assumptions either way
when her smile somehow suggested some kind of understanding.
Companionship?
Solidarity with the solitary?
I think I've been to this cafe before. Definitely walked past it. That would have been with Andrew before we split up. I can't really remember if we had a good time or now. I'm pretty sure we had a fierce-ish argument in the park. I definitely remember him crying. Or was that me? Usually if I was then he was too. That's how it always seemed to be with us. I was never allowed my own tears. He would never be the strong one. It was always me who had to back down and get us out of it - he'd just jump in too and then we'd both be a sticky mess.
I think that's why I reacted so strongly to this latest argument with Tobe. When we'd got together I'd been certain that he ws steadfast and rational. Measured and dependable. So to hear him get hysterical over nothing was just too much for me. I'm quite sure he's totally unaware how much I've been affected this weekend. These 4 days away.
Anyway, time to go. Got to get back to the airport and pick up my luggage from the consigna before starting the next little leg. And my! how I love hanging around airports!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
voodoo you doo
here i am with officer hogstable, my dear friend and accomplice.
not many people can make you laugh til your belly hurts, but this chap has done it to me a few times.
this picture was taken at Dr DiMaglio's Secrets - Voodoo Jungle. It's an alternative variety night I help organise with my brother Toby, who is the compere. We've been going 3 years now. Unbelievable. This was a great night.
I'm at work now so shan't write any more (temping at some agency in Camden - weird to be in an office again, but great to think it's not forever. and MONEY!!!)
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
summer in february
the bees are dying on the side of the road.
is it because they are flying into car windscreens? or because summer is coming to an end.
i wondered this as i walked along the highway, contemplating leaving my lover.
sometimes you just don't know what is what.
is it because they are flying into car windscreens? or because summer is coming to an end.
i wondered this as i walked along the highway, contemplating leaving my lover.
sometimes you just don't know what is what.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Letter to Nic #2
hi nic
been reading bukowski and thinking of you lots.
did you see that Factotum film? very enjoyable. see if you can download it.
been getting into downloading films recently. toby's very good at digging.
he's away in barcelona for a few days, writing some software with this argentinean hacker we met last time we were out there. she cool lady. she came over to london and stayed with us at rob's, though toby had forgot to tell either of us and had got completely mashed at dr dimaglio's (the one in october) to the point where i had to leave him in the car for a few hours til he could respond enough to help me get him out of it. by the time i'd got there he'd puked everywhere anyway. so i was asleep, toby was unconscious, and rob got these anxious phonecalls from our mad polish friend, ania (who'd introduced us to Tati, the hackergirl). rob had to go out and pick her up from somewhere in london at 4am. everyone was a bit confused. (can you imagine what tati must've thought? getting picked up by a complete stranger madman who had no idea who she was either, arriving into this huge warehouse, no heating, no lighting - save for the glow of sodium from the industrial estate through the large cracked windows - and no sign of either me or toby.) haha! she took it very well. she's just escaped from argentina after all.
so i'm getting to spend a bit of time with myself which has been pretty nice. t-i-i-i-i-ime!
anyway, be good to hook up. i was wondering if you'd be around today but i didn't get to bed last night til it was became day and have felt pretty tender since. went out with my sister who had been hurt by some thoughtlessness on my dad's part the day before. felt it my sibling duty to cheer her up so we got pissed in a wine bar in clapham (hurrah). stuart turned up later on and after we dropped sasha off, wobbling at her door, we cycled back to mine and drank more, very shitty rose wine. stuart kept saying how he never saw me on my own anymore and how nice it was that toby wasn't around. needs a good smack, does that boy.
anyway, i'm rambling now. as ever.
if you fancy it, maybe we could hook up for a sandwich or something tomorrow (sunday)? i need to deliver your goods and i been missing your tales and whatnot anyway. time is tight these days and tomorrow is mine alone til about 8 when i've got a fuckin meeting in brixton. living in battersea (for the time being) so a cycle ride to your end of town wouldn't kill me.
lemme know how so you thinking la de dah i'll give you a call.
and love to the kids
nemskarosti x
been reading bukowski and thinking of you lots.
did you see that Factotum film? very enjoyable. see if you can download it.
been getting into downloading films recently. toby's very good at digging.
he's away in barcelona for a few days, writing some software with this argentinean hacker we met last time we were out there. she cool lady. she came over to london and stayed with us at rob's, though toby had forgot to tell either of us and had got completely mashed at dr dimaglio's (the one in october) to the point where i had to leave him in the car for a few hours til he could respond enough to help me get him out of it. by the time i'd got there he'd puked everywhere anyway. so i was asleep, toby was unconscious, and rob got these anxious phonecalls from our mad polish friend, ania (who'd introduced us to Tati, the hackergirl). rob had to go out and pick her up from somewhere in london at 4am. everyone was a bit confused. (can you imagine what tati must've thought? getting picked up by a complete stranger madman who had no idea who she was either, arriving into this huge warehouse, no heating, no lighting - save for the glow of sodium from the industrial estate through the large cracked windows - and no sign of either me or toby.) haha! she took it very well. she's just escaped from argentina after all.
so i'm getting to spend a bit of time with myself which has been pretty nice. t-i-i-i-i-ime!
anyway, be good to hook up. i was wondering if you'd be around today but i didn't get to bed last night til it was became day and have felt pretty tender since. went out with my sister who had been hurt by some thoughtlessness on my dad's part the day before. felt it my sibling duty to cheer her up so we got pissed in a wine bar in clapham (hurrah). stuart turned up later on and after we dropped sasha off, wobbling at her door, we cycled back to mine and drank more, very shitty rose wine. stuart kept saying how he never saw me on my own anymore and how nice it was that toby wasn't around. needs a good smack, does that boy.
anyway, i'm rambling now. as ever.
if you fancy it, maybe we could hook up for a sandwich or something tomorrow (sunday)? i need to deliver your goods and i been missing your tales and whatnot anyway. time is tight these days and tomorrow is mine alone til about 8 when i've got a fuckin meeting in brixton. living in battersea (for the time being) so a cycle ride to your end of town wouldn't kill me.
lemme know how so you thinking la de dah i'll give you a call.
and love to the kids
nemskarosti x
Friday, March 03, 2006
Letter to Alex
i was going to write you a long and charming email yesterday but the hours just whizzed on by. i don't get it. time. it's quite nice at the moment though - toby's gone to barcelona for a few days and i think it's the first time i've been on my own since i went to meet him in NZ in august. he's also going to Eindhoven and plymouth for a few days this month. and i'm taking him to visit mum at the end of the month, which i'm really lookin forward toooooo.
last night dad got made a fellow at the Linnean Society. You'd love it, lots of beards and skulls and botanical engravings and old wood and portraits of Darwin. we met in the library for tea and cake, then went down for the shaking hands bit followed by a talk given by a portuguese botanist who told us of his travels into the central sahara to study the flora there. some amazing photographs - what landscapes! wild and rugged. makes me want to go to algeria. i invited justin along and he, as you'd imagine, loved it.
afterwards we got taken to the Oxford and Cambridge club for dinner by Katarina, the woman who had introduced dad to the society, along with her husband and mother - a nice old swedish woman who goes on 30k cross country ski trips even now. sasha was with us, but they wouldn't let her in cos she had jeans on. unfortunately, our hosts didn't have the fuckin tact to ditch the booking and keep the party whole so sasha opted to go home rather than borrow a skirt from reception. and dad was too weak and just not aware enough to angle for an alternative location either. so there goes another bash to the already fraught father/daughter relationship. oh dad... if only he knew!
anyway, it was all very fancy, this meal. lots of gold and tropical woods and cut glass and fine wines. the only thing i could think as they took us for tours of the various rooms afterwards (so proud - 'shall we have tea in the ladies' room?') was that it was all stolen goods. the whole lot, fucking LOOTED from anywhere they could grab it. yup, quite sickening.
this couple were weird. both so stiff. they had met at oxford. i imagined he was the sort of fella that had probably been picked on at school but had found acceptance among the eccentrics at oxford and so now was quite comfortable wearing his handlebar moustache and fine filigreed waistcoat, talking with weight and sincerity and the sort of 'verycleversubtlewitandhumour' that comes from an unmoving mouth of one with a fine stack of books to make him feel good enough. she was quite sweet in the end, but dumpy and mousy, walking with legs well apart and pushing her glasses up her nose. she'd come from a teeny swedish village and was so in love with the pomp and circumstance and the ballrooms and chandeliers that this life had to offer her. neither of them could see that it was more important for us to be together than it was to break up the party for the sake of a bit of so-called 'class'. they wanted desperately to impress us, to show off all the high-end elitism.
her mum was cool anyway. "i think it's rubbish!" she whispered to me from behind her hand. "only in this country, i think". we winked at each other quite a lot, during the meal.
ach... anyway. i felt a bit depressed coming back to battersea, getting the bus through sloane square. here seems like a kind of wannabe there. one for the kidz, y'know?
dr d's was good. nowhere near as packed as last time, but still all the seats were taken. better really, cos everyone could hear.
first up was paul foot who went down a treat, then we had whatsername who went down like a lead balloon. she started with this long preamble about man-hating, with a few clever twists thrown in to show us that she didn't really hate them and really loved sucking cock. anyway, it went on and on and it just turned people off one by one so that by the time she got round to delivering her really quite good and powerful poem (about her cunt, of course) she'd lost everyone.
then we had stuart and barry, the scottish magicians. really nice, unusual delivery and style. tricks weren't mind blowing, but still got a lot of oohs and aaahs from the audience. i think they were my favourites - you'da liked 'em. then who.... oh yeah! the chav! he was great - got a bit of banter going with sasha which was quite hilarious. i'd seen him before but he was much better this time. and the people laughed... su-yina fucked up with her animation. she turned up with a dvd 10 minutes into the show so we couldn't test it, and then, lo and behold, it wouldn't run on my machine. so she had to go to tobe's to pick up his laptop. she got it all going, but didn't plug it into the projector, so then it was plugged in, but the then the sound didn't work. so toby did a running commentary
"oop! big wolf! and there's some nasty pylons. and then the wolf decides to make a phonecall. yOW!"
that was quite funny, and kipps improvised with some other tunes.
fuckin shoddy though.
then we had beardyman, the beatboxer. and the beatboxer rocked. he had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand. andrew was open mouthed through the whole thing. people were whooping and cheering and wowing and yaying. they loved it so much he came on for a 10 minute encore!
toby was good - he's getting much more comfortable. i think this is his home. next one is booked for the 19th May - exactly 2 years since the first one. but i guess you gathered that from the eeeeeeeeeeeeemails. (those fuckin emails... i do get a bit annoyed)
well, there you go. she don't write for weeks and then it's so many words you don't know WHAT to do!!!
thanks for your addressy. perchance you shall find a beauteous arrival some day...
finally uploaded my pictures of the NuMusic festival. have a look-see here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nemone/sets/72057594072723646/
big love to my alborini!
xxx
ps james cronin is making metronomy vid!
last night dad got made a fellow at the Linnean Society. You'd love it, lots of beards and skulls and botanical engravings and old wood and portraits of Darwin. we met in the library for tea and cake, then went down for the shaking hands bit followed by a talk given by a portuguese botanist who told us of his travels into the central sahara to study the flora there. some amazing photographs - what landscapes! wild and rugged. makes me want to go to algeria. i invited justin along and he, as you'd imagine, loved it.
afterwards we got taken to the Oxford and Cambridge club for dinner by Katarina, the woman who had introduced dad to the society, along with her husband and mother - a nice old swedish woman who goes on 30k cross country ski trips even now. sasha was with us, but they wouldn't let her in cos she had jeans on. unfortunately, our hosts didn't have the fuckin tact to ditch the booking and keep the party whole so sasha opted to go home rather than borrow a skirt from reception. and dad was too weak and just not aware enough to angle for an alternative location either. so there goes another bash to the already fraught father/daughter relationship. oh dad... if only he knew!
anyway, it was all very fancy, this meal. lots of gold and tropical woods and cut glass and fine wines. the only thing i could think as they took us for tours of the various rooms afterwards (so proud - 'shall we have tea in the ladies' room?') was that it was all stolen goods. the whole lot, fucking LOOTED from anywhere they could grab it. yup, quite sickening.
this couple were weird. both so stiff. they had met at oxford. i imagined he was the sort of fella that had probably been picked on at school but had found acceptance among the eccentrics at oxford and so now was quite comfortable wearing his handlebar moustache and fine filigreed waistcoat, talking with weight and sincerity and the sort of 'verycleversubtlewitandhumour' that comes from an unmoving mouth of one with a fine stack of books to make him feel good enough. she was quite sweet in the end, but dumpy and mousy, walking with legs well apart and pushing her glasses up her nose. she'd come from a teeny swedish village and was so in love with the pomp and circumstance and the ballrooms and chandeliers that this life had to offer her. neither of them could see that it was more important for us to be together than it was to break up the party for the sake of a bit of so-called 'class'. they wanted desperately to impress us, to show off all the high-end elitism.
her mum was cool anyway. "i think it's rubbish!" she whispered to me from behind her hand. "only in this country, i think". we winked at each other quite a lot, during the meal.
ach... anyway. i felt a bit depressed coming back to battersea, getting the bus through sloane square. here seems like a kind of wannabe there. one for the kidz, y'know?
dr d's was good. nowhere near as packed as last time, but still all the seats were taken. better really, cos everyone could hear.
first up was paul foot who went down a treat, then we had whatsername who went down like a lead balloon. she started with this long preamble about man-hating, with a few clever twists thrown in to show us that she didn't really hate them and really loved sucking cock. anyway, it went on and on and it just turned people off one by one so that by the time she got round to delivering her really quite good and powerful poem (about her cunt, of course) she'd lost everyone.
then we had stuart and barry, the scottish magicians. really nice, unusual delivery and style. tricks weren't mind blowing, but still got a lot of oohs and aaahs from the audience. i think they were my favourites - you'da liked 'em. then who.... oh yeah! the chav! he was great - got a bit of banter going with sasha which was quite hilarious. i'd seen him before but he was much better this time. and the people laughed... su-yina fucked up with her animation. she turned up with a dvd 10 minutes into the show so we couldn't test it, and then, lo and behold, it wouldn't run on my machine. so she had to go to tobe's to pick up his laptop. she got it all going, but didn't plug it into the projector, so then it was plugged in, but the then the sound didn't work. so toby did a running commentary
"oop! big wolf! and there's some nasty pylons. and then the wolf decides to make a phonecall. yOW!"
that was quite funny, and kipps improvised with some other tunes.
fuckin shoddy though.
then we had beardyman, the beatboxer. and the beatboxer rocked. he had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand. andrew was open mouthed through the whole thing. people were whooping and cheering and wowing and yaying. they loved it so much he came on for a 10 minute encore!
toby was good - he's getting much more comfortable. i think this is his home. next one is booked for the 19th May - exactly 2 years since the first one. but i guess you gathered that from the eeeeeeeeeeeeemails. (those fuckin emails... i do get a bit annoyed)
well, there you go. she don't write for weeks and then it's so many words you don't know WHAT to do!!!
thanks for your addressy. perchance you shall find a beauteous arrival some day...
finally uploaded my pictures of the NuMusic festival. have a look-see here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nemone/sets/72057594072723646/
big love to my alborini!
xxx
ps james cronin is making metronomy vid!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Letter to Dad
Hi Dad
sorry to have forced you to buy a new bike lock - i've looked at it several times, wondering when i'd get it back to you.
i don't think i'll be able to make it tonight, unfortunately. it's been incredibly hectic - yesterday we had a meeting with cappagh about the website and we've said we'll make all agreed changes and launch it by friday - we have a fair bit to do. after that meeting i drove over to tottenham to sort some of my boxes out. toby and lee came over later and we filled mum's car and lee's van rammed full of stuff. ania's away this weekend so we can use her room to sort it out. there's a carboot opposite the house every sunday and i think i'm just going to sell whatever i can and give the rest to charity. time to be ruthless! if i've done without it for this long i can do without it.
anyway, so we're surrounded by boxes, i've got simon ringing me up telling me the latest excitements (several major labels are now interested in brokering a deal with us in some way), trying to upload images of Recycled Aggregates (exciting) and i haven't even THOUGHT about the animation for Dr DiMaglio's the deadline for which can't be much later than around 24 hours from now.
YIKES!!! so i don't think i can come.
glad to hear that aunty cathy's coming over. that'll be a great relief for all of you, i should imagine. is she coming alone or with bob?
hopefully see you on friday. have a great time tonight. i'll be thinking of you. and if you fancy popping by battersea on your way home, you're more than welcome for a tea-stop.
lots of love
nemso x
sorry to have forced you to buy a new bike lock - i've looked at it several times, wondering when i'd get it back to you.
i don't think i'll be able to make it tonight, unfortunately. it's been incredibly hectic - yesterday we had a meeting with cappagh about the website and we've said we'll make all agreed changes and launch it by friday - we have a fair bit to do. after that meeting i drove over to tottenham to sort some of my boxes out. toby and lee came over later and we filled mum's car and lee's van rammed full of stuff. ania's away this weekend so we can use her room to sort it out. there's a carboot opposite the house every sunday and i think i'm just going to sell whatever i can and give the rest to charity. time to be ruthless! if i've done without it for this long i can do without it.
anyway, so we're surrounded by boxes, i've got simon ringing me up telling me the latest excitements (several major labels are now interested in brokering a deal with us in some way), trying to upload images of Recycled Aggregates (exciting) and i haven't even THOUGHT about the animation for Dr DiMaglio's the deadline for which can't be much later than around 24 hours from now.
YIKES!!! so i don't think i can come.
glad to hear that aunty cathy's coming over. that'll be a great relief for all of you, i should imagine. is she coming alone or with bob?
hopefully see you on friday. have a great time tonight. i'll be thinking of you. and if you fancy popping by battersea on your way home, you're more than welcome for a tea-stop.
lots of love
nemso x
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Letter to Nic
niiiiiiiiiic!!!
howdee. thanks for the sofa offer - and you know how i like the puking farters - but thankfully we've landed ourselves a gaff and this is our first night here. we're subletting off a friend who shacked up with a bird he met at our party and now has no need for his 2 bed in battersea. not my preferred end of town but i ain't complaining. it's only for 3 months anyway.
fuuuukit
yup, sure is chilly. bit gutted to have left the summer really (forever the lizard). toby's depressed as fuck to the point where i'm getting a touch pissed off m'self. but hey, these things don't last forever.
so anyway, it'd be good to hook up some time - if you get around to leaving the house, that is. or maybe i could come to you and bring some hot soup and a newspaper? i still got your stuff but i got to pick it up from the warehouse. something i'm not overly looking forward to. i saw rob the other day just after i got back to pick up a few essentials (warm clothes, primarily) - i took him out for lunch and managed to finish my plate before he'd even made a dent on his due to the never ending flow of verbal diahorrea. his two front teeth have finally fallen out and he looks a right treat. he tried to rope me in to help him with a pitch for a site for mitsubishi. not fucking likely. it may have taken me a while, but i reckon i've learnt my lesson. poor sod...
ANYway, lemme know when you're about. maybe we could hook for lunch like the old days, huh? hey i got a new bike! finally had to accept the demise of misty (may she RIP) and bought a new one out in nz. toby and i spent 2 weeks cycling round the south island which was pretty amazing - the whole place is like one big cycle path. going down state highway number 1 - single track with about 10 cars on it - madness. taking acid in japanese hot springs and camping out in primary school playgrounds. aye, good stuff.
gas gas gas
off i pop
love to the fitz familial
tata!
nem x
howdee. thanks for the sofa offer - and you know how i like the puking farters - but thankfully we've landed ourselves a gaff and this is our first night here. we're subletting off a friend who shacked up with a bird he met at our party and now has no need for his 2 bed in battersea. not my preferred end of town but i ain't complaining. it's only for 3 months anyway.
fuuuukit
yup, sure is chilly. bit gutted to have left the summer really (forever the lizard). toby's depressed as fuck to the point where i'm getting a touch pissed off m'self. but hey, these things don't last forever.
so anyway, it'd be good to hook up some time - if you get around to leaving the house, that is. or maybe i could come to you and bring some hot soup and a newspaper? i still got your stuff but i got to pick it up from the warehouse. something i'm not overly looking forward to. i saw rob the other day just after i got back to pick up a few essentials (warm clothes, primarily) - i took him out for lunch and managed to finish my plate before he'd even made a dent on his due to the never ending flow of verbal diahorrea. his two front teeth have finally fallen out and he looks a right treat. he tried to rope me in to help him with a pitch for a site for mitsubishi. not fucking likely. it may have taken me a while, but i reckon i've learnt my lesson. poor sod...
ANYway, lemme know when you're about. maybe we could hook for lunch like the old days, huh? hey i got a new bike! finally had to accept the demise of misty (may she RIP) and bought a new one out in nz. toby and i spent 2 weeks cycling round the south island which was pretty amazing - the whole place is like one big cycle path. going down state highway number 1 - single track with about 10 cars on it - madness. taking acid in japanese hot springs and camping out in primary school playgrounds. aye, good stuff.
gas gas gas
off i pop
love to the fitz familial
tata!
nem x
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